don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize