Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
