Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize