I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
