I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
