My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize