I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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