saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
