I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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