I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
