why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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