At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
