I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
