watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She even gives head with a lisp.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
