You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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