Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize