u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
