Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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