happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
