she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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