His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
