this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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