Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
