I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So apparently I’m into choking now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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