Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i will never coherently bang her
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
