Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
