suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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