Don't make out with my wife yet
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
