i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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