Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
