God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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