Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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