theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
