it hurts more in the daytime
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
