Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
