Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
