my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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