If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
