a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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