No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
