I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
