Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
True strength comes from lack of pants
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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