His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
