TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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