You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
