Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
