ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You took a bar mat shot.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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