There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
