you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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