I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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