Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
