he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
