maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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