So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
