trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
