i used baking grease as lip gloss
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
