my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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