Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
