ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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