I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
