i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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