She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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