I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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