Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
