your parents love me but you hate me
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
